The following is an account from one of UrbanFUTURE's One on One INSPIRE Mentors (Ayesha Najib). Ayesha has been volunteering with UrbanFUTURE as a mentor for 3 years now.
Greg Mortenson’s book, Three Cups of Tea, is an inspiring story of one man’s attempt to build schools in rural Pakistan. Mortenson is a simple man from humble beginnings. An even simpler man, Haji Ali, befriended him and together they started what is now an astounding project. This book made me think about how much wisdom a Nurmadhar from a remote part of my own country possessed. Although Haji Ali was illiterate, he was wise in the lessons of life.
Three years ago, I joined a volunteer mentoring organization, working with underprivileged children. I felt this was one way to give back to a country that has given me so many opportunities and has become my new adopted home.
I was assigned to a pre-teen African American girl. I was instructed to contact her parents for personal information. I compiled a list of questions, hoping for insight into her study habits, bedroom and a dedicated workspace. When I called her home, the phone was disconnected and there was no way to reach the family. Much later, I discovered that the phone was disconnected due to nonpayment and that this would happen many more times.
When we first met, I saw a sweet girl who was excited to join the afterschool program and work with her own mentor. She was in the fourth grade but reading at only second grade level. She was one of five siblings, being raised by a single mother. On our first meeting, she volunteered that her father had been killed the previous year. Her eyes filled with tears as she spoke and I was struck by the fact that she would offer such information to a total stranger.
When I first met her mother, I immediately realized that she did not trust me; she looked disinterested, did not make eye contact and did not speak much. I attempted to call the mother weekly to discuss the child’s progress. This was always difficult, as the family moved frequently and their phone was often disconnected. When I managed to find her, she would be brief and to the point.
Shortly after we met, I dropped my mentee home. She invited me into her home and I walked into a dilapidated two-bedroom apartment that housed six people. The girls slept in the living room, with two mattresses on the floor and a small bookshelf as furniture. Her mother was in the kitchen with the oven door open, trying to heat the house. One of her brothers was sitting on the top shelf of a closet strewing paper all over. A cousin had crushed the laptop I had given, while the educational CD I provided was thrown carelessly on the floor. I suspected that life had dealt her a difficult hand, but had no idea how bad. I was shocked that a child in the richest country on earth could live so poorly.
I was her mentor for a year and a half and had modest success with her. We met weekly and worked on homework, reading skills, and team building assignments. There were many barriers to her success. Her family constantly moved from one relative’s house to another. During the winter holidays, her mother transferred the children out of that school. The children were being bullied and she was scared for their safety. She was remorseful that I would not be able to continue to mentor her daughter, but insisted that I continue to be involved. For the first time, she acknowledged that I was a positive influence and her daughter had blossomed under my guidance. This caught me by total surprise. All this time, I thought this woman did not care for me; I was always met with a lukewarm stare and minimal eye contact. Clearly, things had changed.
Now that some time has passed, I have been able to reflect on my interactions with this young girl and her family. As Haji Ali said to his friend Greg Mortenson, “The first time you share tea with a Balti, you are a stranger. The second time you take tea, you are an honored guest. The third time you share a cup of tea, you become family.” In my own way, I realize that I had shared three cups of tea with this family. As I befriended and mentored this young girl, both this girl and her mother began to take me into their confidence. They invited me into their home and when they needed help, they sought me out. Although we never shared a cup of tea, I felt like a family member. My greatest lesson was that it takes time to build relationships. To do so, you must listen to the other person, spend enough time to build trust and never judge them. I hope that I will continue to have an influence on this young girl, albeit from a further distance now that I am no longer her mentor. In the end, I realized that I learned the most from our relationship, and for this I am grateful.
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